either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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