My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
