Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
