your parents love me but you hate me
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
