Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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