She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
