My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
