As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
