she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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