I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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