I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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