please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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