cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
