also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
