I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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