Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
