After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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