do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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