Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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