I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
