I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
