my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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