i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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