If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
