i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
