i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
