My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
