When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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