I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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