I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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