Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
