how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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