2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
