listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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