you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
