Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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