The maid of honor just puked.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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