when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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