he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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