It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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