What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
