The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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