you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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