So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
