after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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