my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
