Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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