Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize