And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
please come you make the beer taste better
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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