Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
