If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
