Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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