Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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