I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize