i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
