i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
